Here’s the next installment of Baby’s Still Mine.

 

Chapter Three: Tell Me Baby

Shuffling into Double Down Keaghan kept his head hung low.  The evening before had been rough for a myriad of reasons not the least of which was his argument with Neve.  He’d excused himself from her presence finally having heard more than he could bear to hear in an hour’s time.  Closing himself off physically and emotionally he escaped to their bedroom to compose himself before returning back out to help with Liam’s bedtime ritual.

Standing in the doorway of the room his little boy occupied Keaghan watched as Neve tucked Liam’s favorite stuffed bear under the covers next to him.  Shifting herself closer she pressed her lips to his forehead and told her son how very much she loved him.  With a yawn and a nod he passed his love to her in return then nudged the book on the bed nearby in her direction. 

Angling around Neve adjusted her position so that her back was pressed against the headboard of Liam’s child-sized bed.  Opening the cover of his selection she looked up for only a moment to catch Keaghan’s eyes.  He was unsure though what was reflected back was it hurt or love, understanding, or perhaps compassion because just as quickly as she glanced at him he darted his own eyes away.

Listening in as the soft tones of her voice lulled their son into sleep Keaghan felt his heart swell with love for his family.  They painted the perfect picture of contentment all snuggled up next to each other.  Suddenly saddened by the overwhelming feeling that the picture wouldn’t grow beyond the colorful strokes he’d been watching before his eyes tonight Keaghan drew himself back and once again shut himself away.

Toying with the idea of going out to the couch when Neve finally came in for bed he let it go when she respected his distance.  Miserable with the current state of affairs the last thing he wanted was to feel her warmth, to have her body pressed so tightly against his that he didn’t know where she ended and he began. 

It would be so easy to get lost in the physical aspects of their relationship; to let her kiss him in to submission and use her body to placate him.  But not last night, she must have known that last night he was not at all interested in pushing his feelings aside.

Normally reaching out for his wife and enveloping her into a tight embrace it felt odd to be so distant.  He was sure that if he were looking down upon them from above he would see she was pressed as far to the edge of the mattress on her side as he was to his, between them a giant chasm of empty space.

It was that empty space, the rumpled piles of sheets and blankets that created the physical manifestation of the emotional barrier between them that now kept him awake.  Unwilling to close the gap Keaghan spent what felt like an eternity staring up at the dim reflections of moonlight on their ceiling. 

Mostly unsuccessful in his attempts to fall asleep it was in the restless early morning hours of being unsettled in their bed that exhaustion had thankfully won out.  Giving in Keaghan finally fell in to a restless morning of sleep. 

Having woken up after only a couple of hours Keaghan had quickly showered and changed while Neve was tending to Liam’s breakfast and bath.  With a quick kiss of his son’s forehead he muttered his goodbyes and left the house and everyone in it behind for a much needed day of wallowing.  Thankfully he knew exactly where the best place in town was for sulking.  He’d been there many times prior for just this reason so one more time certainly wouldn’t make a difference now. 

Landing at the casino’s doorstep, or gangplank as it were, Keaghan boarded the creaky old vessel and sought out the one person who had always provided him decent insight.

 “What’s up Doc Love?” Red asked as he watched Keaghan practically trip over himself to get seated on a bar stool.

Reaching for a beer from the ice chest below the bar Red popped it open and slid the bottle across the mahogany of the bar to his friend’s waiting hand.  He knew it was early but by the looks of the dark circles and bags large enough to pack a ten day vacation under Keaghan’s eyes that there was more to it. 

“You look like you just lost your favorite toy.”

Despite the early hour Keaghan happily accepted the beer Red offered.  Swilling down a mouthful he replaced the bottle on the napkin that magically appeared before starting to rip away at the dampened label on the bottle.

“In a manner of speaking I have.”

Familiar with how to work through Keaghan’s usual process of unloading Red started to wipe the bar down with a fresh towel.  As had happened so many times before the young man came here gain some much needed perspective and it just so happened that the barkeep’s life experience seemed always to relate in some way. 

Assuming that the reason for this visit was the one that always seemed to spurn his presence at Double Down Red nodded knowingly.

“What happened between you and your fair doctor wife?”

Tearing the corner of the label off the bottle entirely Keaghan began to roll the foil like material into a small ball.

“She’s decided she doesn’t want any more children.”

Surprised by the revelation Red stopped all movement and looked his friend from top to bottom.

“That’s kind of sudden huh?”

“Yea totally.” Keaghan nodded mindlessly the emotion of his frayed nerves straining his voice, “Like the out of nowhere kind of sudden.”

Staying silent for several minutes Red watched as the young man continued to pick at the remaining portion of the beer label.  Knowing full well that Neve never did anything without thinking, over analyzing really, he know that she likely did not come to this decision lightly.  She’d been over all of the possible ramifications and results researching and formulating all types of different scenarios.

“Why is it she’s decided that?” he asked cautiously, “I always thought she wanted a whole bunch of kids.”

Shrugging Keaghan brought his drink to his mouth and emptied the entirety of the bottle in a manner of seconds.  Letting the bottle fall to the bartop with a thud he slid the empty towards Red in silent request for another.

“I’d say that is the impression I’d gotten too but apparently I misinterpreted it all.”

Fulfilling the unspoken order for more Red popped open a fresh bottle.  Pouring some salt on a fresh napkin he placed the condensation covered bottle down.

“Did she give any reasons as to why she’s changed her mind so abruptly?”

Twirling the bottle between his gingers Keaghan stared at the droplets of water as they splayed across the wood of the bar. 

“She claims she’s too scared after what she went through with Liam.”

The fact that he completely understood where her fears were stemming from Keaghan couldn’t actually blame her for not wanting to move forward.  Between the conception, miscarriage and medical crises the road to Liam was filled with seemingly insurmountable potholes.  But in the end they navigated the rocky terrain and came through to the end of the road with a healthy child to show for it. 

No it wasn’t her fears that had Keaghan down it was his own sadness that he would never share that bond with his wife.  Loving Liam like his own flesh and blood is a privilege and he couldn’t imagine life without the little boy.  But he wanted to share that bond with Neve.  He wanted to create that tiny piece of the future that was just a little bit of him and a little bit of her.

How is it that Neve could shut herself off so completely to the idea of that?  Did she not want that connection with him like she did with her?

“It was a pretty harrowing experience for her.” Red announced, interrupting his thoughts.

“Yea, for me too….” Keaghan huffed slightly annoyed that his friend was presumably going to take his wife’s side in the matter, “….and yet I still want to have kids with her.”

Stepping back Red leaned against the other side of the bar.  He hadn’t realized just how upset his friend was until this very moment but boy he knew now. 

Sadly, it appeared that history was repeating itself.  The only difference this time is that he and Red both had experience with the matter at hand Keaghan just needed a reminder of that.

“I’m not trying to minimize your feelings in this whole deal but your part in it all is significantly different than hers.”

Glaring at Red Keaghan wondered exactly why it was that he came to The Double Down at all.  He needed support, someone to take his side, yet here he was defending his feelings yet again.

“I know, I know….her body her choice and all that.” Keaghan replied snidely.

Knowing that he had to navigate these murky waters carefully Red tried to wake his friend up to the more important aspect of the burgeoning situation.

“Yea that’s true but do you honestly think the majority of her concern is about the physical stuff?”

Unsure where Red was going with his commensts Keaghan’s curiosity was piqued, “What do you mean?”

Moving to the far end of the bar Red took hold of a full case of beer and lugged it over to the ice chest.  Tearing open the top of the cardoard carton he started to place the bottles in the empty stainless bin.

“I mean….” he paused momentarily to stand upright, “….Neve is an extremely strong and independent woman.

Navigating to the other side of the bar Red retrieved a bucket of ice.  Lugging it over to the chest he hoisted it up and filled in the spaces between bottles.

“She’s deeply in love with you man.”

Narrowing his glare Keaghan pointed a bit of vehemence in Red’s direction, “You think I don’t know any of that?”

Holding his hands up Red took a step back, “Whoa, I know you do.”

“But,” he paused for effect before working his way back towards a second bucket of ice, “what I’m trying to say is that if her reasons were only about the body parts of it all she’d be going forward both guns blazing.  She would risk her life to have a child with you.”

Relaxing slightly Keaghan slouched down against the back of his bar stool.  He felt desperate and erratic and needy — all emotions he didn’t particularly enjoy.  But even so, there was a strange sense of peace sitting here talking to his friend.  Red had seen him through one of the most difficult times in his life and knowing that he could rely on his honest opinion gave him a slight feeling of confidence.

“So what do you think her disconnect really is?”

Dropping more cubes of ice into the chest Red raised his voice to be heard over the sound of them clanging against the bottles.

“I suspect she’s all twisted up in knots in her mind doc.  I’d bet you big bucks she’s worried about your feelings and how you’d withstand another deal like the last one.”

Leaning back forward Keaghan brought his forearms to rest against the cool wood of the bar.

“That’s absurd.  We’ve already talked about my feelings after we brought Liam home.”

Depositing the empty barrel within the other he previously discarded Red folded his arms over his chest.

“Yes but did she tell you everything?” he asked, “Or did she tell you what she thought you wanted to hear?”

“I thought she was being honest” Keaghan replied his mind starting to turn a mile a minute, “but since last night I’ve been wondering if I know my wife at all any more.”

Running his hand behind his neck he let out a prolonged sigh of discontent, “Why not just add this little nugget to the list of things slapping me in the face out of nowhere.”

Gulping down the remainder of the beer he had Keaghan slid the empty bottle towards Red. 

“I don’t think she’s lying to you man. I think she’s trying to protect you.”

When the older gentleman reached to hand him a refill he gestured for him to stop.  Drinking himself into oblivion might feel good for a little bit but ultimately he’d pay the price for it in the end.  He always did.

 “From what?” he spat out incredulously.

Opening the cash register Red took out the receipts from the evening before.  Scattering them across the bar he began to rifle through and organize to the best of his ability.

“In her mind she’s probably got it all mapped out.” he replied flippantly returning his attention to the slips of paper he was sorting, “Neve probably thinks that if she refuses to have another rugrat you’ll dodge the bullet of having to make life and death decisions again.”

Sliding one of the not so neatly organized piles of receipts to his left Red went to work on a second.

“I betcha she’s even got that busy brain of hers in pre-worry mode.  She’s probably already at a worst case scenario that’s ten times as bad as the last.”

Sliding the second pile he composed to the right Red worked on the final stack.

“At this point she’s talked herself into the thought that she’s protecting you from that.”

Recognizing that what Red was saying had merit to it Keaghan grabbed his discarded napkin and started to wrap it around his fingers.

“But, she’s in perfect physical shape now.”

“Did you all think that with Liam too?” Red asked matter-of-factly

Organizing his piles of customer receipts Red whipped out a bank deposit bag from behind the bar and stuffed them in.

”Look, I’m not trying to convince you of anything here.  I’m just merely leading you down a path we both know Neve is already walking.”

“I just don’t understand why she would go to the extent of no children at all.” Keaghan rasped emotionally, “It’s like we’re right back where we started years ago.”

Rubbing his tired eyes he tried to reign in his disappointment, “We’re back to that place where she makes all the decisions about how we live our lives and I just have to accept it.”

Amazed that he hadn’t thought of that line of reasoning himself Red silently kicked himself for not knowing that Keaghan’s mind would go there.  It was such a huge issue between he and Neve the first go round of course his friend would feel as if history was repeating itself here.

“Have you spread that particular little nugget of joy her way yet?”

“Does it matter?” Keaghan sneered suddenly, “I told her my feelings on that matter last time and she promised it wouldn’t be like that again.

Throwing the wadded up napkin he’d been pressing tightly into his frustrated hand onto the bar Keaghan curled his lip.

“Yet here we are.”

Hoping to diffuse the tension and animosity before it got too far out of hand Red made an effort to shrug the whole business off.

“Our women are who they are.” Red shrugged, “If you can’t hack it junior maybe you need to find yourself someone else.”

Faced with the thought of that reality Keaghan got slightly more reserved.

“I don’t want anyone else, you know that.”

“Then work through it.” Red tossed out.

Never a man to feed into the frenzy Keaghan looked Red over.  He supposed that was the reason he came to speak with the old man he was honest to a fault, pulled no punches, and always provided much needed perspective.

“Gee thanks Red, as always your compassion and understanding overwhelms.” Keaghan deadpanned.

With that Red knew Keaghan was going to be okay.  He knew by the sarcastic tone in the young man’s voice that he’d understood where the conversation was leading him and he’d accepted it.

“You don’t come here for either of those girly emotions.” Red laughed, “You come here because you need to hear the truth.”

“Truth according to you.” Keaghan prodded deftly, “I’m not entirely sure that’s how Neve sees it all.”

Waving him off Red took the bank deposit bag in hand and walked it over to the cash register.

“Whatever, you know I’m right.  Now go talk to your wife and get all the crap out on the table.”

Lifting his tired body from the bar stool he’d been occupying Keaghan straightened his rumpled clothes.  Once satisfactorily adjusted he smiled in Red’s direction.

“Thanks for the help Red.”

Nodding he waved Keaghan off again. “Yeah, yeah….whatever.  Get out.”

Nodding himself Keaghan chuckled at the brash way his friend dismissed him.  Walking back the way he’d arrived he waved a quick goodbye and did exactly as he was told.  He got out.